Cuban Nomad is where I talk about creative projects, queerness, the side effects of being over 40, and whatever else pops into my head. Thank you for your support.
I took off the month of March from social media—no, I’m not Catholic, the timing was just funny like that—and it helped me detox from a coping mechanism which had burrowed its way into my skull over the pandemic. Social media had saturated every free moment my mind had left to spare. I’m not saying anything new, we’re all aware of doomscrolling, I personally hadn’t realized how pervasive it had become in my headspace.
What first started as a place to connect and share art turned into a cesspool of anger, bigotry, and more anger. I did the timeline cleanses and curated my feed, but that wasn’t enough. My anxiety was feeding my compulsion to check the apps and the apps were feeding my anxiety in a fucked up feedback loop of dark emotions. I had to unplug from all of it. So I did.
The overwhelming quiet that came over my brain was such a comfort. I had forgotten what silent moments of introspection felt like and how badly I needed them.
A few epiphanies came out of this silent space which is why I’m writing to you now. I thought I’d share them in case anyone else was wrestling with similar feelings.
1. Fuck Perfect
I haven’t written in forever, not on my own personal stuff and barely anything for public consumption. I haven’t had a regular writing practice in years which is a depressing statement. A huge reason for this sad state of affairs has been my toxic relationship with perfection.
Normally, I hate perfection with every fiber of my being. It’s a construct designed to make us feel inferior and for most intents and purposes is an impossible ideal. Perfection breeds the emptiness that advertisers use to sell us shit we don’t need to fill the hole in our sense of self.
I know all of this—I know it in my bones—yet I still compare my own work to others and feel disheartened by its lack of flow or polish or some other random metric. I either shelve what I was working on or don’t even get started. It’s a paralyzing state of mind that I absolutely loathe. Instead of giving into the fear I’m doing my best to let it go. Fire off the casual newsletter that isn’t a perfect representation of my creative prowess. Hammer out the heartfelt thread that rambles and is tangential, but is jam-packed with sincere emotion. I’m going to get the words out into the world in whatever state feels right and let the chips fall where they may.
If you like what you’re reading then help me keep this machine running with a cup of coffee.
2. Stop Surviving, Start Thriving
I survived stage 4 cancer and am nearing 10 years in remission <knock on wood>. I’ve been in survival mode from a life-threatening disease, the breakdown of a marriage, and a global pandemic for so long that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to flourish. Forget flourish… I can’t remember what it’s like to just LIVE normally and without the constant red alert. There’s gotta be another way to move forward because this is crushing in the long run.
I’ve been afraid to want things for a long time now because wanting something means you’re open to the possibility of not getting it which is painful. In being afraid of the pain I found myself numb to everything else, so life quickly became a single flat note stretched across time. When everything else feels like constant turmoil you find solace in the dependable flatness of not wanting.
It took someone I love telling me that I’m “allowed to want things” to wake me up.
That was a powerful moment. Still is whenever I remember it. I’m trying to hold onto the emotional impact of those words which were said in love and choose to live differently, allowing myself the hope that had disappeared without me even noticing.
3. It’s OK To Go Slow
I have several creative projects simultaneously yelling for attention. My photography is an ongoing labor of love that needs time, space, and sometimes other people. All of which are in short supply these days. The podcast I’m developing, Late to the Game, is surprise surprise running late because of the aforementioned perfection paralysis. This newsletter hasn’t seen the light of day since last year. I think you get the picture.
I’m just one person and don’t need to kill myself to meet the needs of an algorithmically generated release schedule. I need to give myself the space to be a human with human levels of output. I won’t disappear if I don’t post. My value isn’t tied to my content or productivity. Creating isn’t a death march towards a quarter-end metric. You can just breathe if that’s all that feels achievable in the moment.
Taking things slowly lets me actually get them done. Chipping away at a task feels so much better than trying to marathon it in a single sitting. I also have to frequently remind myself that a lot of the single person creators out in the world have whole teams behind them even if it doesn’t look that way. It’s one of those open secrets about the internet that’s so easily forgotten when imposter syndrome rears its ugly head.
Going slow gets it done. That’s the mantra I need to focus on. This newsletter took a week to flesh out, but it’s in your inbox now because I took it slow instead of yeeting my laptop into the sun in frustration.
Reclaim Your Time
All these revelations came to me once I freed myself of the brain drain that is social media. Don’t get me wrong, I love social media’s infinite ability to connect people and share ideas, but the latest version of the concept is rife with attention traps and emotional manipulation. It doesn’t care about genuine connection anymore.
When I get back on the platforms I have to use them very sparingly, getting in and quickly getting out, or else I feel the malaise creeping into me again. I can’t allow myself to get sucked into the rabbit holes. Reaching the bottom is never worth it.
More free brain space means more missives like this and hopefully more art like my photos and, eventually, the podcast. I want to spend more time making and less time consuming mindlessly. Here’s hoping this is the start of a positive trend in that direction. <fingers crossed>
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Thanks for reading and take care. 💜